I woke up extra early this morning, wanting to make sure i had as much daylight as possible (and be alone for as long as possible). i was feeling a little cranky and a bit depressed, and more than a little lazy, so i painted inside today.

i had crazy dreams last night, several in a long line of dreams i've been having, which didn't help the depression. i think it shows a little in the first pieces.

i felt like stopping then, but i pushed on and everything changed from weird surrealism to pop art. i went with it, figuring i needed a break. plus, i was trying to force the cityscape pieces to do what i want them to do, and it got a little frustrating.

there is a backstory to both bodies of work, but i'll save that for later. right now, i'm going to head back to the easel.

p.s. i apologize for any crappy pictures - i'm having a fight with my digital camera.

......it's been a backwards sort of day.

i got up, got the supplies together, started painting. but everything i did was going awry, so i spent most of the day prepping about 10 other canvases.

did another four pop art paintings (two in process above), and think i may stop at 10 for that series. my goal is to finish them off tomorrow, but that's assuming i don't have another backwards day.

also started two other paintings, which may end up being a series, or may just be a lopsided diptych. it all depends on how i feel after i finish the pop art pieces. these are more of what i had originally intended to do, though. and i'm really drawn to silouhettes lately, my sketchbook is full of them, so i may go in that direction next. we'll see.

dad wanted to know what these were and it got me thinking. as an audience, do people need to know what art is supposed to be in order to view it? does knowing exactly what an artist was thinking and using for inspiration really make a piece better? or if not better, necessary to view it and understand it? because if that's the case, i almost don't want to comment on anything for the rest of the month, just post pictures. i'd rather just paint and let any audience reactions happen without input from me. something to think about, definitely.

after today, i have much more appreciation for smooth brushstrokes and flat color than ever before. it's not as easy as i had originally anticipated, but i'm fairly happy with the results.

i finished all the pop art pieces i started today, and i feel good about it. small pieces though they may be, i like the imagery. i wonder if there's a better way to do it - i might revisit it later. but anyway, here are the 7 finished pieces. i still think it may be better as a set of ten, but i'm getting a little burned out on pastels.

all are 5x7 inches, all untitled as of right now.

i figured out my problem.

as i was preparing for this project, i thought it was just that i hadn't painted in a while, but that wasn't it. as i began painting again, it came too easily for it to be the problem.

i then thought it was fear, but quickly dismissed that, too. in college, once i latched onto an idea, nothing could stop me. i was obsessed. forty paintings during this month shouldn't be a problem. so that's not it either.

my next thought was a lack of technical ability was holding me back, but that's not necessarily true. yes, i don't use watercolors or gouache in a way that satisfies purists, and i tend to get a little crazy with the gesso and the gloss medium. but that's not enough to trip me up.

my problem is i lost my voice and my vision. i looked at all of the pieces i've ever painted, and while i can tell the same person painted it (for the most part), i don't see a recurring theme. what am i trying to say? i'm lucky in that i lead a pretty good life, but the bad news for the artist in me is i have no angst. no burning desire to convey a meaning with every painting i do, no drive to get a particular message out. i wonder if that's a necessary thing to have when you're an artist.

perhaps i shouldn't be mentioning that on a public forum, but it's true. i've lost my voice and i don't know how to get it back.

anyway, here's what i did today.

i'm feeling a little bored with the art today. a comment i was emailed the other day said to just sit in front of the canvas and let the painting speak for itself. i'm not entirely sure these canvases meant to be flowers, because i know i didn't intend for them to be that, but okay. here you are.

i worked through the night last night, determined to get the images in my head out onto canvas the way i saw them mentally. though still not exactly what i wanted, i'm very happy with it. i'm getting closer as far as style goes.

first week completed. i feel like i'm on track as far as time frame goes (40 paintings, 4 weeks, nine-ten paintings down, first week done), but i am less than satisfied with the results.

as i think that, i wonder if any artist is ever truly satisfied. i hope so, and that this frustration is just a low point.

i spent the day completely going backwards. it's definitely not a good feeling, i don't like it at all. i kept pushing, but to no avail. nothing, i mean nothing, was working. even preparing canvases with gesso was difficult, and i have no idea why. i finally resorted to doing little abstract tiles. here are two of the better ones.

i've been fighting with my digital camera all freaking day. i'm two minutes away from taking my dad's biggest hammer and smashing it to hell.

needless to say, i managed to beat it into submission and to do my bidding. in doing so, i've forgotten the elegant soliloquy i had in mind for this post, and that only compounds my irritation.

with that being said, here are today's paintings.

did these today. i probably should have mentioned this yesterday/early this morning, but i was too irritated. i'm starting another series (i love themes), and am laying down the first layers right now with them. they will be more of the cityscapes i started with, but closer to what i originally thought and drew in my sketchbook. i've been staring at the other green and gold one, and while i like it, i'm in this place where i like things as simple and minimal as possible.

the ideas are flowing, so i'm headed back to the paintings.

felt a little pressure (from myself) about painting something with meaning. i immediately began thinking 'why does art need meaning?' and 'does the meaning of a piece come from the artist or from the audience?' (i think it's the audience). the thoughts became insistent and constant, so i ignored them and just painted these cute, goofy things.

i have no words for what they are, really. i had some weird doodles in my sketchbook that somehow evolved into this. maybe the painting surface really does want to be something in particular. again, i'm not sure they wanted to be this, but i'll take it.

i've been told to write on these entries, but i haven't felt like saying anything much the past couple days about the art. sometimes, i just want to turn off the voices in my head and paint from the gut. that's what i've been doing the past few days, and it feels good. but i realized talking about this process is just as important as painting. so, here i am, pushing myself again (the things you learn about yourself!). don't be offended. my silence was nothing personal.

we've had family in from out of town this week, so it's been a challenge to find a spare corner, much less a room, to paint in. i've gone with it, not because i didn't want to gripe about constantly being shifted around (i did), but mostly because i only had a few hours here and there to paint in and it would waste my time to complain. i'm not sure how people do this, painting and working and all the rest, without going a little crazy. i'm managing so far, but i'm only on Day 11. :)

i've also been losing daylight (stupid daylight savings time), so i can only paint outside a few hours a day; i'm also forced to take pictures inside because of this, so that hasn't helped with the quality. the visitors will be leaving this weekend, maybe i'll get a chance to play around and get pictures and titles and dimensions up for the completed pieces.

the past few days has been good though, has felt good. knowing i only had a limited amount of time made me focus. and when i wasn't painting, i wished i was. take a little bit of color theory and a bit of meditation, and you've got where i am with the most recent pieces. that feels good, too, translating moods into a simple picture.

i don't know where i'm going, but it feels good getting there.

today's obsession:


the more i do this, the more i realize artists are crazy.

i've just spent nine hours on this piece and it's still not done. the crazy thing is, i feel myself burning out on it, on the image, but i can't stop. i tried picking up the other cityscapes, but nothing doing. this is the one that's got me right now.

but really, artists have to be crazy. why else would someone sit hunched over on the floor, pushing, pushing, getting the image out, painting for hours unless they were a little insane? i wonder if that's a prerequisite for an artist. i wonder if you have to be insane to make something great.

what i should have done was taken photos of the whole process, as this is only the most current version of this piece. this picture doesn't tell the fifty glossy layers of red paint and the three versions of the buildings. i've gone through almost a quarter of gloss medium and half a tube of acra crimson. but truthfully, i didn't notice, i couldn't stop. i just kept painting till i happened to look up and see nine hours have passed.

no wonder i'm starving.

felt out of any new ideas today, so i spent time touching up the paintings i already started. realized i'm doing pretty good, as i have thirty or so paintings with at least the first layers started. not too bad for being halfway through this project.

i also spent a good part of the day wondering if i could make it through grad school, getting an MFA in painting. i know i could handle the work load, so i spent time researching a program i really like in Austin. the only hesitation i have is what i've always had - what would i paint?


then i decided i was thinking too much again, living too much in my head, so i stopped and headed back to the easel. life just seems to make more sense when i only concern myself with what color paint goes where.

i feel like crap today. i woke up feeling nauseous, and the feeling hasn't gone away. my whole body aches, and it pisses me off, because it's almost too much to lift my arm and the paintbrush. great thing that i have to deal with halfway through this. so, i pushed through long enough to rework the city on the red painting, and i'm going to call it a day.

i did occur to me to start thinking of titles, but i hate titles almost has much as i hate the politics involved with getting an art show. in lieu of something better, at the end, i'll just name each one day 1, day 2, etc., in order of completion. if you have a better idea, let me know.



before:



after:

halfway through and i feel myself slowing.

not with the desire to paint, that's easier and easier to come by. and not even with ideas, as i woke up today with an image in mind (that still isn't exactly what i wanted, but i'm beginning to just accept that). just...slowing.

i did feel well enough to paint for a little while today, but i'm struggling to finish what i've started. i've thought about all the other paintings, i stare at them constantly. i can see the final picture in my mind, but (there are a lot of "buts" and excuses in my head right now, if you can't tell) it's almost as if i don't trust myself to get it right.

well, there's always tomorrow.

i'm obsessed with the color red. all shades, the rusty browns, the pinky reds, the brick reds, i love it all. i knew i liked it before, but as i'm going through the work i've already done (to see which pieces i need to finish and figure out how long it'll take for each), i've come to realize the majority of my pieces have some form of red in them. good thing i bought a second tube of acra primary red, or i'd be in trouble right now.

second color i'm in love with: yellow, but most specifically yellow ochre. i saw a lot of that one, too.

i made a conscious decision to not start anything new today, rather to go back and begin to finish up the paintings i've already started. that didn't last very long, as i started yet another painting (the pinky-red one above) while the green one was drying. oh, well.

today was a bad day. today was one of those days where i shouldn't have taken out the easel and painted. i should have just watched tv or read a book.

i painted like crap. and the more i forced myself to paint, the crappier i painted. i had to redo several paintings, and only went backward. i finally managed to get the cityscapes done, but i pretty much hate everything i've done so far. the normal reaction i have when i decide i hate a painting is to gesso it over.

don't fear, i hid the gesso.

needless to say, i am not a happy B today. here's what i somehow managed to do.

ugh, i know ming told me about these days, but they came out of nowhere. no warning, no notice, all was fine and dandy, then boom... i don't wanna do this anymore!!!!!

okay, self-pity and whining over, but i do reserve the right to bring them back at any time.

i'm still painting like crap. i'm also thinking i might be sick, but i don't have time for that now (that can happen in december). i did manage to squeak out two paintings today, much to my surprise, so maybe this icky feeling will go away tomorrow. i hope.

it occurred to me that one painting didn't quite fit with the rest of the works i've done. not that they all flow, and i'm a little bitter that they don't as that was my original intention, but this one sticks out a bit more.

so, i worked on it a little, smoothing it out (which is not apparent in the picture, much to my irritation), then made two more as part of a loose triptych. i figured at least this way it looks intentionally done. i have to do the same with the pink lady from day 6, as that sticks out, too, but i'll worry about that later.

as far as my thoughts go... i can't say that they are better today, but that i think i'm dealing with it a little better. just over 11 days to go. i can make it (i think). i just need to polish up the work... somehow. i just need to do it.

i've eliminated some paintings that just didn't go anywhere. tomorrow i hope to look at everything together to see exactly how many paintings are on the right track, and how many more i need to do. i'm hoping i'm further along than i think, but who knows. i just don't have the energy to do it tonight.

back to the easel. i want to get the first couple layers on this painting down before i call it a night.

i'm having problems wih my computer and/or my internet service, and these problems aren't allowing me to upload any pictures from the pictures from my camera, somehow. i'm going to work on it some more, and will hopefully update this entry later tonight, but i have no pictures right now. keep your fingers crossed.

*****

Update (as of 11/20/05, 8:48pm CST)

well, that was annoying.

i've sort of fixed the computer issues, meaning that i've done enough to get back online and i'm praying that it'll hold. so... here we go.

*****

ming emailed me yesterday asking how i felt about the work i've done so far. he didn't think these feel like "me", but they are. i feel pretty good about the work, as well as i ever feel about my paintings. if i don't like something, i just gesso over it so i don't have to see it anymore. i've only gessoed over or throw away a few paintings (that were crappy anyway), so i'm not too upset.

i do think these paintings are "me". when i figure out how to get very clear, very detailed shots, you'll see the brushstrokes are very much me, as is the way i use and treat the paint. the colors are me, too. the subject matter is a departure, but so was the color squares series i did in college at the time (see the square painting at right), and i think that can only be a good thing. what artist doesn't want to grow and try new things?

i avoid stereotypes as much as possible, so yes, while it would have been easy to do more portraits and color squares, they no longer interest me as something new. i can think of no way to improve on them, and right now, i feel like i'm figuring out a new direction. i'm not there yet, but i'm getting very close.

i did a bunch of study paintings today, but only these two are complete. i pretty much hate looking at the computer right now, so i'm going to head off.




[for clarification, the portrait and yellow squares are not new works.]

i'm so tired of trying to think and paint. i'm tired of trying to connect things together.

i spent today working on finishing the paintings i've started. it's shaping up into the abstract tile pieces as one group, the pop art pieces as another, a few cityscapes, and the rest make up the last group. i'm trying to see where the connections are, and i'm ready to give up. i'm ready to stop.

i'm out of ideas, and the energy to try and push on to figure them out. maybe tomorrow will be better.

hey, for those who haven't seen it yet or didn't notice, i got my first bad reviews on day 21! honestly, i'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.

i've got an appointment later today, so i worked through the night to get today's painting. it's sort of done, but that's the story with this month.

also, here's the first group of finished paintings, in no particular order:

day 1, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas

day 2, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas

day 3, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas

day 4, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas

day 5, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas

day 6, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas

day 7, 5x7 inches, acrylic on canvas

it's terrifying knowing people are judging not just the end product but also the process. this is how i work, but no one knows that, and i'm beginning to think no one should. sometimes things go smoother than this, sometimes worse. i'm fine being critiqued on the final piece, and i like constructive criticism. i'm just not used to people giving their opinions on how i work; i really think this is what i need to do my best because it all feels familiar. it's all coming back.

this is how an artist thinks; the art process isn't always a happy thing. it can be brutal and gut-wrenching and very, very scary. i could have lied and said every day was a good day, and look at what i made! but i didn't. why lie to myself like that? it's a complete waste of time to censure myself.

the two goals i absolutely wanted for myself was 1) to do this to prove to myself i could, and 2) to start painting again. logically, i know this is a good thing to experience, both the positive and the negative, so i'm open to it. i'll reach those goals but that doesn't mean i have to settle for them. i do push myself hard because it means that much. i know realistically that not every painting is going to be a masterpiece; the majority of them won't be. but i'm hard on myself because i know i can do better, and even if i think i can't, i still push just to see what happens. just to see if i was wrong.

i think that's what the 30dayartist is about.



second group of finished pieces:

day 8, 9x12 inches, gouache on paper

day 9, 12x12 inches, gouache on paper

day 10, 12x12 inches, acrylic on paper

day 11, 14x18 inches, acrylic on paper

day 12, 8x10 inches, gouache on paper

day 13, 14x18 inches, gouache on paper

day 14, 8x10 inches, gouache on paper

day 15, 12x12 inches, gouache on paper

day 16, 9x12 inches, acrylic on paper

day 17, 16x20 inches, acrylic on paper

day 18, 18x24 inches, gouache on paper

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i took the day off today; i needed it, and with it being thanksgiving, i've been up for almost 30 hours straight helping cook and clean. the family is slowly going to sleep now, so i'm hoping to get some painting in after hours. i'll update this post if i get anything halfway completed tonight.

i'm taking some advice - i'm just painting, no thinking. took some images, like the pink girl from day 6, and some of the cityscapes, and did them again using watercolor. didn't think about anything but putting the paint onto the paper. it feels very good. this whole experience has felt very good. i think i may continue it once this month ends.


third group of final paintings:

#19, 12x16, acrylic on paper

#20, 12x16, acrylic on paper

#21, 12x16, acrylic on paper

#22, 12x16, acrylic on paper

#23, 24x24 inches, acrylic on canvas

#24, 24x24 inches, acrylic on canvas

#25, 16x20 inches, acrylic on canvas

#26, 9x12 inches, acylic on canvas

#27, 12x16 inches, acrylic on canvas

#28, 12x16 inches, acrylic on canvas

it's getting harder to paint with each day; not because i don't want to, but because life happens. someone needs something, there's some kind of appointment, something that needs to get done right now. it probably wasn't the smartest thing, doing this as the holidays are starting, but i figure that that's kind of what artists have to deal with. there's always going to be something else you have to do.

i actually miss college.

as i'm doing this, i can't help but wonder how other artists with full-time jobs and full-time families and obligations find the time to do their art. i'm putting everything on hold for this, and the only time i found today was from 4am to 5am, and even that was hard. the siblings are in town and they wanted to go out all day yesterday and today, so i'm grabbing the free time (and space!!!) when i can. yeah, i only had one hour today, and very little sleep, but i'm beginning to think it's worth it.

no wonder i'm crazy.

anyway, i did a quick watercolor of the pink girl from day 6 early this morning (i just like the picture and the way the colors all blend together. i'm working on a few different versions with different colors for someone - i may just end with this as the last group, who knows). i'll take a better picture tomorrow when i have more time on a computer.

16x20, watercolor on paper

bit by bit i'm reclaiming the house, and thus, my painting space. ever so slowly, the holiday is winding down, though not nearly as fast as i want it to go. my mom claims i've spent most of the time grouchy, but i don't care. i'm trying to do something important to me here.

tomorrow, life goes back to normal, and i've got three days left. just in time.

here's today's painting, and a better picture of yesterday's painting.

12x52 inches, acrylic on canvas

the closer the thirtieth comes, the more i find my mind going blank. as i'm painting, things come to mind that i want to say, but the minute i log on, nothing.

i know i haven't written nearly as much as ming or chin yew. i'm not trying to hold back, i just can't always find the words to describe the experience.

anyway, like ming said, i'm looking forward to being an audience member again. this experience has been stressful and exhilarating, all at once. one more day...

i'll post the rest of the final paintings tomorrow.

well, here it is. the end.

i've mentioned before that doing this is hard to describe. i was prepared physically for anything that might have come up, any need for a particular paint, any particular size canvas or paper, any brush, but i can't help but feel a little unprepared creatively.

that's not meant to be an excuse, just how i feel. i read a comment yesterday that said i'm technically good but my art is safe. it's a very valid truth, and i've been thinking about that constantly since i read the comment. artists, in my opinion, shouldn't be safe unless they are bob ross or thomas kinkade. artists should be constantly challenging the way people think. i guess i stayed out of the game too long, or attempted this too soon, because i forgot how to do that. i'm not sure i ever knew how.

how can i accurately describe the 30dayartist experience? it's amazing to take time and do something you love, frustrating juggling time to do it (why can't the rest of the world just go away for a month?? ha). at points during the month, you're so exhausted that you just want to stop. but then you take a break, get some sleep, and come back and do it all over again. i guess maybe artists aren't so crazy after all, as the definition of insanity is doing the same actions over and over expecting a different result. while that definition could very well apply to artists in general, and me in particular, i think a better adjective is passionate or driven.

with no judgments, i think this experience was neither good nor bad, it just was. a month in the life of me as an artist, both the sucesses and the not so good stuff, too. i am glad i did it, i'm glad ming gave me a chance, but this isn't over for me. i did what i came to do here, but during the process, more questions came up and i ran out of time to answer them, like the safe comment; that i played it safe was only the first part of the comment. the second part challenged me to take my last day and do something not so safe. there wasn't time to answer it here, and i think it may take more than one day, so i'm going to do it on my blog. maybe not a painting a day, but regular posts. maybe i can answer some of the questions i have there.

with that all said, thank you for reading, and for commenting, whether it was good or bad. i appreciate all of it.
b


final grouping: