Chin Yew 30day Artist of August'05
PROFILE
chin yew, born in Kuala Lumpur, 27th March 1981, is always complaining. he went to artschool. complained that it wasted his parent’s money. he had a job. complained that it was too mundane. he had a good life. complained that it wasn’t exciting enough. one fine day, he lost everything. time flies, he slowly regain back bit pieces of it. but he began to complain again. but this time, was different. he complained about it, and he did something about it.
woke up at 11am. mind was tired. dreamt that i've started painting. so my mind was pretty tired. took awhile to struggle myself off bed.
when to the nearest shop and bought some aromatherapy. hope that it would cover the smell of the turpentine.
enter my small painting room. stare at the canvases for awhile. arranged them properly so that i have more space.
didn't know what to paint. thought i color the background first. flat acrylic red on the 4ft x 4ft. flat acrylic black on the 4ft x 4ft.
coloring flat red's not that simple. took a few layer to make them look flat. black only twice.
listening to modest mouse. and some jazz music. i think every artist should have a mp3 cd player. save the hassle of changing cd. with the mp3 cd you can have hundred of songs playing by itself. imagine after hours and hours of playing the average 10+ song audio cd and you finally gotten feddup of it and you decided to change it, but yr hands are oily and dirty with paint.
2pm. friend called for lunch. thank god. save me from being stuck in the room without any idea of what to paint.
lunch. smoke and a can of 100plus. friend wanted to check out the place. brought him there. and the size of the room shocked him, and he wished me luck.
was alone again. stare at the red flat canvas now. moved it aside and stare at the black one instead.
ok. oil. mixed white oils. damn. missed the smell of oils and turpentine. fuck, the aromatherapy doesn't work.
paint a bird which i learned from my saturday teaching class on the black flat. added some circle patterns. tried cutting some shape on glosspaper and paint them over the canvas. fuck. look really crappy. oil is really difficult to use. pretty hard to control the look of the stores. draw a face. added lines. hoping that it'll look better. fuck still look crappy. drew a leave-less tree. wait-ta-minute, think it look great with an empty background. thank god, i used oil for the rubbish pattern. wash them away using turpentine.
look at the tree. hmm.. think it look a little like the eden's tree. added a red spot on one of the right branches, so that it'll have large space at the right, creating an inviting feeling for it, and like someone's coming to get it.
stare at the black sky. added some haze-feel to it. thinking whether should i put some stars to it. will leave it aside first.
stare at flat red. ok, will try the masking tape line technique. ok, one line. another across it. hey, look like a cross. think i'll draw a guy below, begging for mercy. gonna sketch with black charcoal first. ok, now, paint them over with white acrylic. hey, grey tones are created. mixture of black charcoal and white acrylic feels like using oils.
ok, finished drawing the guy. think i'll draw his penis. bah, look stupid, paint over it. ok, now he looks alittle fatter. hmm, somethings comin out of his back. look a little like broken wings. this guy starting to look like a fallen angel. ok, think i'll extend the broken wings. draw a feather on the left corner. used the charcoal acrylic technique again.
ok, i survived day one. feel like goin over to paint again. nope. don't think so. its 2am. but its a good time to paint. feelin a little lazy though.
slept at the couch yesterday round 8pm. woke up at 11pm. went back to bed again at 4am. everytime i sleep in a schedule like that, my bed sleep feels extra tired. but yet my mind is very awake. i try meditating at this state and i was drown into a half conscious sleep. and at this state i realize that i am able to control my dreams.
and it was fantastic.
i stay at this state for 4 hours. after that, i was having trouble to sleep. i twist and turn my body and woke up the following day at 12pm.
i worked on the 6ft x 2ft. paint the background with white and little of red acrylic. paint them randomly. didn't want the flat effect.
stare at the long pink for awhile. ok, draw a guy. sketch with black charcoal first. then paint the outline with black oils. then added white oils for the skin, pants, etc. created a grey tone to it. hmm, wondering should i color the t-shirt with red oil. nah, think it look alright just with the grey tones. had references for the hands.
worked on the 2nd one. paint the same color for the background again. draw another guy again. without reference for the hands this time. oils really difficult to use. too oily too slimy. requires alot of skill. takes too long to dry. finished at 5pm.
folded my body like a prawn and slept at the tiny space i have. on newspaper and paint. smell of turpentine mixture with apple aromatherapy. cool air on my half naked body from the ceiling fan spinning slowly. light shinning directly on my skin through the window. mixture of Velvet Underground and the school bus noise with children screaming.
i was half asleep somehow i was in a trance. eyes open alittle. look at the speakers. rolled my eyes around. stare at corners of the ceiling. close them. turn my body, still in the folded position. opened my eyes and had a fright. "who the fuck, oh, heh, its only the 2 painting i just did. heh, scared by my own paintings."
fall into deep-sleep. an hour i guess. my whole body woke up suddenly, a 1 second delay synching my brain with it, like a pirated vcd of the audio delay with the visual. my legs suddenly spread. body got up. breath heavily. stare at the white wall for awhile. was sweating. the kind of feeling you get when you wake up from a dream that you fall from a high place.
changed my clothes. went home. ate. watch tv. looked for an old colleague for some beers. on my way back i bum into a girl i met few months ago. called her again when i was home.
woke up 12pm. work on the 6ft x 6ft. painted a picture from my "i like tv". took round 2 hours. i did not fuckin properly wash the brush i used yesterday for the oil, cause the acryclic to float at the canvas. washed them with soap this time. works perfectly.
the yesterday painting hasn't dry yet. think probably won't be using oils anymore. not sure yet.
worked on the 2ft x 2ft. painted a side view guy. wanted to used flat black at first, but after applying the first stroke, i thought it look pretty neat with just the dry brush technique. look more lively.
worked on another one. draw a happier guy. background i used the dry brush technique again.
5pm. slept again at the small space i have. listening to sonic youth. tried to meditate at the same time. couldn't work.
woke up at 2pm. worked on the 6ft x 4ft today. sketch the figure with soft brush and light water.
took awhile to construct the facial. first had eyes. then no eyes. paint over. drew nose. drew lips. paint over again. drew lips. nose. then eyes. paint over eyes. frustrated. stop awhile. sit back. stare at the facial. screamed at it "who the fuck are you?!?!"
went out for a smoke. took some sip of nighttrain. took more sip. then gups. went back in. stare at the blank face again.
tried using light brush to construct the face. it came. ahhh.......a relax guy you are. i wonder what his on. constructed the t-shirt. drew rapid lines to create the crumple.
drew the arms-leg. foot had difficulty. refer to pictures. took awhile to find the exact feet for it. found it. drew it.
touch up the face again. added some rosy cheek. form the neck.
background. hmm.. color over the rounded masking tape and print on the side. repeat steps a couple of time. paint over the circle. fuck. dirtied the background. cover blotch with white. had a little red to create the dirty effect for the background.
started painting at 1pm. tried painting myself on 3ft x 2ft. felt pretty fuckup. Depressed. Bardo Pond was playing. finished in 1 hour.
felt like a scam artist. felt like couldn't paint at all. hated myself. saw pictures i swore to myself that i shouldn't be seeing anymore. felt angry. at her. myself. everything. lay on the small space i have. tried to sleep. body feels tired though. stare at my finished painting. i really can't paint. what am i trying to prove here? Bardo Pond screaming guitar. distortion. tried to concentrate where i am now. my task. my mission. prayed. tried to have happy thoughts. only angry ones came.
after one hour of sleep and wake, went down and bought a pack of cigarettes. smoked one. at the pool side. wind breeze. feel really depress and lost. what am i doin? how old am i? what the fuck am i doin? saw kids playing the water.
went back up. forgot to turn off the music. sigur ross was on. felt even more depressed. feel like givin up. struggle to move the 2ft x 2ft out. stare at it. thought since i'm feelin so fuckup, i'll just draw another fuckup picture. drew the eyes. nose. lips. then He came. was shock. couldn't wait to finish His picture.
then i remembered,
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"
and suddenly it felt like a message to me, reminding me, that its ok to feel lost and lose of hope sometimes.
taught my class today. pretty tired. came back at 5pm. slept till 9pm. had dinner. started painting at 11. finished this piece, 6ft x 6ft, at 2am. this shot is again taken from "i like tv".
wanted to snap a picture of this. friend's parent was in, so had trouble moving the painting in the living room for picture taking.
went to the room at 11pm. paint this 3ft x 2ft with a chinese calligraphy brush. finished in 2 hours.
friend came in. asked why i only keep drawing faces. i told her "i don't know what else to paint." she replies "why not try painting something happier?" i smiled.
i wonder who will want to buy depressing paintings. maybe she's right. i should start painting happier things.
its 5am now. started painting at 1am. been posting late. due to my turnaround sleeping hours. woke up at 12pm. sending emails. posting forums. spread the news.
checked on my blog last week with my sis laptop. realized the flash wasn't loading. check the html. fuck. make the simplest webdesigner mistake. i linked the flash from my pc. stupid. one fuckin week and no one realize the empty space on top. sigh. guess no one really cares.
a few people recommended me to paint nature+environment+scenery stuff. tend to sell easier.
rite, so i painted this 4ft x 4ft. not exactly nature, but atleast you get the branches and flowers coming out from his mouth rite?
woke up. checked mail. received 'round 10 email stating me to paint something happier. friends called up to check on me. worried that i'm in a depress mood.
actually i'm not. i'm fine. i'm happy. i just dunno why my paintings turn out the way it does all the time.
so today, i started painting at 5pm. worked on a 4ft x 4ft. tried painting happy people. bright background. finished at 9pm.
hmm.. happy enough. yet, something's really sad in this picture. see if you guys can see it.
yesterday, my friend gave me a tarot reading. i asked bout love+career+ex+etc. on my way back, i was thinking about the reading. most of them are what i've already knew. i'm fascinated by how powerful the tarot's was. on my way back, i was waiting at a traffic. heard the radio talking bout relationships. thought about the tarot reading again. green light. pump on accelerator. turn the steering. saw 2 lights beam and coming towards me. thought this guy was drunk and driving the wrong lane. then i realized i was the one who is on the wrong lane. quickly stomp on my breaks. the car calmly swirl pass me. imagined him showing me the finger. but i heard no horns. guess, he was drunk. but i wasn't drunk. i quickly make my 3 point turn. back home safe. heh, its been weeks since i last had my long distance drive like i used to back in my last sales job, but i guess it was more of my mind drifting on other things except for the wheels that nearly got me killed.
ok, back to the art. believe it or not, i've spend more time on these than the other paintings. and these painting really has alot of meaning for me and are also one of the main big reason of the 30 artist thingy.
couldn't sleep last night. was online till 8am, posting in forums. lay on my bed. the whole ambiance of my room recall my life 8 months ago.
it feels like only yesterday. funny how time flies. and how it heals the wound. the memories of the pain. doesn't feel like mine, yet i know it was i who suffer through it. still i can't seem to fully believe so many things/people has changed. i could still recall the cut so clearly. the bleeding. never thought it could ever stop.
and now, it already has. from my anger slowly clearing, i've learned so many new things. i've experience such new feelings. and also new pain. new reality. i've learned to differencing of who/what's real and who/what's not.
and i tell myself, "never. never again, i would let anyone/thing ever get so deep in me and take a slit out of it. never."
and for today, i've worked on this 2ft x 2ft piece, paying tribute of the mornings i had 8 months ago.
and this piece, 3ft x 2ft, the side effects of it all.
funny, how ironic it is, that yesterday i was paying tribute to my past crisis, she called.
slept in the morning and woke up in the evening again. funny how my body adjust its sleeping time so easily when it comes to being awake at night. damn. tomorrow i gotto teach kids and i can't sleep.
probably gonna fight staying awake till morning and after the class. probably on my way back, i'll stop by the room and do a painting.
went bowling today. suddenly on my last game, i had the urge to paint. say goodbyes to my friends and speed my way to the room.
worked on the 6ft x 6ft. i spend 4hours painting this.
this piece is about the feelings i had when i started clubbing again during the crisis. to kill time. and loneliness.
notice how the main character seem to look moody and yet if you look in a different way, his actually smiling.
and the circles on top, my intention was for them to look like disco lights, but when i got home and at my pc, they seem to look like smiley face to me, smiling at the pathetic character. funny, how sometimes a painting will look different depending on the angle+distance you stand, or maybe through the screen.
woke up feeling waist pain. guess it was the bowling yesterday. called and said i couldn't make it for class today. went back to sleep. woke up at 6pm.
had a nice steambot dinner. went to the room. started painting at 9pm. half way through, an old friend called. she was back from japan. wanted to visit my small room. she came. had wine. talked. i knew she wanted to mention bout my ex, but i swirl the topic around quickly. asked me bout my website. told her that it was difficult for me to share it with her cause sometimes this is the only place where i can actually let go of my feelings and i didn't feel like sharing it with people that i know. especially the people that i keep mentioning in my blogs.
i wondered does my future boss knows about this, cause if he does, i wouldn't have the chance to bitch about work anymore. arghh, this is what happens when you tell too many people about yr blog or yr blog gets too famous. you'll feel like everybody's watching and you lack of the freedom to bitch about.
anyway, after an hour, she left. i continued painting. paint on the 2ft x 2ft.
i wanted to potray this as in how when we sometimes get really frighten or depress of the world around us, we'll want to be alone and be in this pose, an emotionally stance recalling when we were in our mother's womb.
well maybe not for all of you all but for me. i was mostly like this 8 months back on my bed. scared, frighten of how the world changed so quickly around me. of how fragile love can be.
well, sometimes i still sleep like that.
friend called, asked me for karaoke. told him that i was painting. friend joked that if i don't come, tomorrow when i go back to the room, it'll be all ashes. laughed. told him that i'll be there in another 2 hours.
then i worked on another 2ft x 2ft. a close-up of the same guy.
karaoke yesterday was ok. but i'm starting to hate chinese song. the really good songs are always about breakup-fail- relationship. the lyrics are really-really sharp in the heart.
anyway, yesterday night, i practiced something very evil. and the whole night i feel sick. like a fever+cold or something.
next morning, it was gone. but not to take my chances i swallow 2 tablets of panadol.
met a friend for a drink. discussed about my spiritual experiences. once again, today is my church day. after the conversation we had, i had the urge to paint.
started at 12am. worked on the 6ft x 4ft. took 3 hours. this piece is about the spiritual+meditation+state. and the reason why i used red instead of black, which i normally do for this kind of painting, is because of paying tribute to the yesterday night evil practice that i had.
funny how time flies. its half of the escapade already. sometimes i wish this would never end. i wish my life could forever be in this escape. but reality will soon come eat its way up. bread have to be on the table.
yet sometimes, i wish this would end. i feel like a scam sometimes. a cheater. a wannabe.
i paint this today, in a mood of recalling her. a 2ft x 2ft. i thought of Judas in the bible. it wasn't entirely his fault. it wasn't her fault. she suffered too. funny, how the Jesus story teaches us so many things in life. from "why have You forsaken me, Father?" to Judas' betrayal. Outlook, it all seem wrong, but in the core, its gold.
sometimes, i feel like i'm living in a dream. where it all will end soon. everytime it feels like 'soon', but yet it prolong for so 'long'.
tried watching dvds to keep me awake. was asleep on the 2nd dvd.
missed the Lost Generation show. my fav lecturer givin a talked on animation. damned i missed it. but his givin another talk on films tomorrow. let's hope i don't miss it.
wo-hoo! i made it for the show and my lecturer's talk. when i was there, he already started. he gave me a warm welcome. reminds me back when i'm late for his class.
great lecture. talks about film language. sigh. i wish i still could go to his class. his class always gives me the oomph to do art!
i checked out the gallery. not bad.
think it would be not bad idea if my work get to show there.
anyway, after the show, i went straight back into the room. painted on 2pcs 2ft x 2ft. this 2 pcs is about paranoia among us all.
thought i wanted to stop there. suddenly i remembered bout my lecturer's teaching today. thought i worked on this 4ft x 4ft.
anyway, i've been getting respond asking for the price of the painting and what am i gonna do after the 30days.
well, the initial plan is that i'll be working in a production company on Sept at Mont Kiara. but, i'm starting to really love this socalled artist live i'm living now. so, we'll wait and see.
as for the pricing, i'm not too sure/confidence how much to charge/rate for them. so if there is any experts/artlover/or just want to buy, pls state the price at the comments of each painting.
woke up early today. 10am. to be exact i hardly slept the night before. still trying to adjust back my sleeping time.
anyway, did some chores for my old company. collect payment from my previous clients. even when i'm at my client's place they enquired me for more printing matters. they even thought i was the boss because i was dressing in my t-shirt and jeans. well, i served them anyway.
was somewhere near Wondermilk Gallery. thought i check them out. place was alittle small to fit all my paintings. that's if if they even want it.
on my way back to the office, i stop by the art shop to get more brushes and ordered more black paint.
reach my old office. gave them the payment and collect my last pay cheque.
went to the room. took all the paintings out into the living room. thought i'll arrange the room alittle and varnish all the paintings. varnishing is another difficult process. it was great to see all my paintings lining up together in the living room with shining varnish and soft sun light reflection on them. it felt really good. like all of them were singing to me in soft angel voices. heh. remembered the first time when i saw them, all large white empty space. frighten by them, i thought i heard them screaming at me "paint me! paint me! paint me!"
heh. wished i have taken the camera to take a picture of all them lining up now. the satisfactory feeling that i get from seing them together, i could never get in my old boring jobs. and to think, this is only the first stage. imagined if they are all hangup and with proper lighting. whoa. i can feel the energy rushing from stomach to my face.
it took me 4 hours to varnish, arranged them in the living room and pile them up again in my room.
but i wasn't very satisfy with the varnish. called my friend, he recommended me to get varnish from the hardware shop.
went to the nearest mall with mom for dinner and a little shopping. i bought my varnish there. heh, mom went to a few record store looking for some old chinese karaoke. saw alot of couples. pointing at things for the partner to see while they giggle together happily holding their hands. feeling a little mushy, told myself atleast i have my mom with me now. but its been a really long time since i last went to a mall. my waist gotten tired easily. i used to go for mall-walking average twice a week with my ex.
but overall, with the paintings and shopping with my mom, i look at my life and i feel contempt and thankful to God.
dying with exhaus·tion, i went to bed early that night.
woke up as a normal humanbeing today. went to teach class. was tired after the first session. had a short nap. struggled my eyes through 2nd half. had fun though.
went home, had dinner with mom. later, with a couple of friends, we went to the LostgenSpace gallery again. when we were there, Azyml Yunor was already singing his last song.
look through the gallery again. the artwork there were great, except for their finishing and lighting which could have made them even better.
as we left the place, i was able to caught up with Azyml Yunor. he asked bout my 30days thingy, and asked why am i not in the room. told him that i was out here for inspiration. we chat a little bout his music and i didn't even know that Elliot Smith was dead. apparently for 2 years now. he stabbed himself with a knife. dear Lord, what a painful way to die. it shows, how long i've been away from music.
anyway, was in the room at 10.30pm. worked on the 6ft x 6ft. this piece is taken from my I LIKE TV cover. doesn't look much like it though.
after 4 hours painting that, i tried using the varnish i bought yesterday on my older paintings. was shock at first after applying on them, my painting turned blue. but slowly it fades away.
tomorrow gonna check on it and see how glossy it'll turn to.
funny. people tend to surf the web more often during office hours compared to their free time in the weekends.
woke up pretty late today. 3pm. went straight to the room. painted the 6ft x 4ft. this one is also from my mini comics' cover, SUNDAY.
took me 5 hours. its a difficult job to do the grey background. thought i mix alot of grey just incase. 10% more to cover everything, it ran out. !@#!% its fuckin difficult to mix back the exact grey. but i tried anyway. result, patches of different gray at the canvas. freakin pissed at myself that i've wasted so much paint. besides, they were running out. so i mix another huge amount of grey again to finished the painting. cursing all the way through. but the sappy-sing-along-chinese music encouraged me. thought of her again. sigh. really gotto stop listening to these sappy crap. but its great to sing along ignoring what the lyrics means. thank God, that my chinese weren't that great when it comes to chinese music. but today, i caught some of them. as i was singing to it, and i'll go, "hey, waitaminute, this song is about breakup." "hey, waitaminute, this song is about missing the ex." "hey, waitaminute, this song is about...@#%@%!" "hey, waita-f*ck*n-minute, this @#$@% song is about...@#%@%!" "hey, #!!$Fcu!%!^@Y@Y!!!" "@%#$^fu@%cki%U#%&"
moments later, i realized the painting was finished.
hmm..now i know why's my painting so sad. think i'll listen to some Christian song tomorrow. but come to think of it, they are pretty sad too.
any happy singer-songs recommendation?
took some time to revarnish the smaller ones paintings.
finished. went out. saw my couple-friends cooking together. pretty sweet. missed my spaghetti cooking days.
had dinner with a friend. surprisingly, i bum into another friend. he had a girl along. surprisingly again, this girl was my ex's ex-classmates. what a small world.
woke up early today. did some varnishing again. secret to all newbie painters, finishing is really important! varnishing is gonna cost you alot of cash, but its really worth it in the end.
i admire my painting as they gloss. ahhh....
gonna buy more varnish tomorrow. the previous can just ran out, and i only get to varnish half of my paintings. varnishing process cost me more than the paints.
worked on 2pcs 2ft x 2ft. they are sequentially-linked together.
how to view this 2 piece, look at them from left to right, then from right to left, and repeat (until you are tired of it). can you see the "open-close" effect. heck no, thought i try anyway, heh. i guess some of you could work out the meaning behind these paintings. or is it only me... heh. (stupid!@#$%!!)
feel very frustrated of getting a show. no replies yet from any galleries. maybe my work's not fit enough. any of you know anywhere i can show my work in KL?
sigh. this artist business is a tough job. artist friend told me that hanging the painting are the hardest process among all. its like the difficulty of stretching the canvas and varnishing the painting, combined together. compared to all the process, painting was the easiest among all.
now i know why a painting cost so much. and the irony of the art-selling business is, the ones who really appreciates the painting could not afford it, but the ones who could, are the ones who don't really appreciates the painting.
funny. there are some people in your lives that you wanna bury away, keeps digging its way up. like putting all the stuff into a box and hide it aside. and never wanna see it again. never? then why did not you burn it then? why bother putting everything into a box and then just hide it? why not just simply, throw it away?
because it means something. something?
funny. there are some people who you don't want to have anymore news about. but yet, you wanna know. you miss them. you care for them. you just gotto know. how are they. are they happy? and you know everytime, you seek, and the answer will be there. no matter how many times you tell yourself, not to ask anymore, the question still pops up in your head. and you know the answer's gonna hurt. and yet, you want to know. and then, you ask. and you get, answers and pain.
what it all comes to? endless third party news update? hi. bye. great. not too bad. where it all leads to? back to square one. but everytime, your speed increase of getting back to the top. and when you are up there again, you tend to look down.
its when everything's wonderful, you forgot to be thankful.
and today, i feel thankful. i forgot to be, when i was ontop. sorry, Lord.
ok, sorry for my boring-pointless ramblings. back to the art. i bought more varnish today. when to the atm machine. i'm officially, broke. not completely, still have some money here and there, but they're all stuck, sigh, lazy to go into explaining. to keep it short, bad debtors.
its been a long time since, my bank account has less than RM10. you see, back in my crisis days, i used to be a very money conscious person. i'll never allow myself to have less than RM200 in my bank account. and every month, i'll go to the atm machine, and goes "ahh..my mountain is growing..heh." i'm a very insecure person. i've been taught, its better to be broke all the time, and have the money growing in the bank.
anyway, i painted this 4ft x 4ft today. and its all related about today.
this piece took me the longest time ever to complete. close to 7 hours.
this piece comes in 2pcs set. the first one is a 1ft x 1ft.
second pcs is 6ft x 6ft.
i used the masking tape technique to create the shape. i start of with the darker color first. for the circles, i paint over the masking tape roll and stamp onto the canvas, then patch them with brush.
this pcs is about the purest form of existence, the quantum theory, particles, wave information, creation, big bang, etc.
i personally love this set alot.
anyway, yesterday had a chat of ideas with my artist friend. love to share them with you, but not yet. still waiting for the right moment. but you might find some clues in this page. ahem. via links. ahem. *clues*
yesterday, was in a club. friend's birthday. had the weird feeling again being in a room crowded with strangers. a moment there, i wanted all of them to just vanish.
had a couple of drinks. very little i tell you. just a little tipsy. was able to walk straight.
cops stopped me. they played the psychology game trying to scare us. i've been stopped a couple of times before, so i'll know what they trying to pull. panic. then i'll pay more. heh. saw the effort they trying to get me to give more. i offered RM20 at first. didn't want it. then, RM50. still didn't want it. gave him the 50 and with a 10 sing. still, didn't want it. threaten to put me behind bars. heh, i know they just wanted more. told them, fine, i'll give all i have to them. i took out my wallet, and showed him the total notes i have. 20 sing. RM50, RM10, and a few old RM1 note which i've been saving. while, i took the notes out, i accidentally drop a few notes on my cars cushion. before i was able to reach down and grab it, that cop opened my door, and picked them up himself. he gave me back my license and IC and told me to watch out for other blocks.
weird how desperate they were, huh... he actually opened the door and picked the notes by himself! like he couldn't wait or something! are they that poor? they even took all the RM1 notes i have! besides, i was keeping the sing note for the memory of my Singapore-crisis.
jeez. now, i'm REALLY-REALLY broke. i feel like i've been robbed.
anyway, today i painted another clubbing-feel painting. thought the cops incident was too much wasted on my canvas. those poor-thief-cops are really not worth my effort and ideas.
this is the last 6ft x 2ft.
that night, i couldn't sleep. elliot smith kept running in my head. how could anyone possibly commit suicide by stabbing himself twice in the chest? either he was murder, or the pain he had was no way compared to the twice stabbing. can life really be that bad and fucked-up? can life really be that hard to go through that you have to end it?
i was at one stage had consider of that step. but thank God, i got over it. but i tell you, in life, you'll never know whats gonna be ahead of you. you'll never know how that fuckup situation can drive you crazy and pull you over the ledge. you'll never expect your strong-mental-emotions can get so weak and or of yr ethics and standing could just crumble right in front you.
beware, you'll never know when the twist of fate falls on you.
anyway, i got of bed, and read through Elliot Smith lyrics. put on his Either/Or cd. his really talented. i remember the first time when i listen to Between the Bars, the lyrics got so deep into me that i could feel the shiver. i dedicate this song to you all. click the next button in the media player. sit back and listen closely to Elliot Smith angelic voice singing the beautiful-sad lyrics.
ok, update to current situation: 2 paintings to go. 4 more days. no respond from the galleries yet, so, i'm not sure where to put the paintings after the 30 days. the varnish medium finishes faster that i thought. gonna use my insurance money to buy more varnish. barely will survive this coming month when my new work starts. a friend called offering me a job as a director. probably a slack-o company that would hire a newbie as a director. hits on blog getting lower. guess my work doesn't interest anyone to come back for a 2nd view. lack of comments. only spammers. and artist friend. and friends.
today is the day, where i feel tired of myself and the effort i made.
>woke up. my Sat class had a charity food fair for the kidney foundation. went and help a little. sold bread. amazing, even for charity, people would actually still ask for discount. or even a RM1 change.
anyway, i had fun. the kid who look after the bread store with me was very cute. and lazy. his really spoilt. he was round 5-6 years old.
went back. saw the clouds. i used to love taking pictures of the sky and cloud when i go for trips with my ex.
anyway, these are some i took today.
was at home. had my artist crisis thingy again. well, i'm a very self-pity asshole. had a chat with a girl who is from a land faraway from mine, who found my blog. she told me the most amazing thing. when she broke up with her boyfriend, she suddenly thought of my paintings. wow, my painting does give impact to people afterall. i was really thrill to hear that. well, not exactly thrill about her breakup thingy, but, i was angry 'bout how her boyfriend broke up with her. an asshole, he is. i bore her with my experience hoping it'll make her feel better. and i was in my book-playback mode again. quoting from books that i read. i hate it sometimes when i do that. too often that is.
anyway, this shows how God works in a mysterious way again. how everything links together. dot to dot. country to country. people to people. something bad might link to something good and vise-versa. i'm telling you, when she told me bout the news, it actually lifted my spirit up.
this is really amazing!
and i thank God for it. and i pray that she'll recover soon.
evening. had a great porridge-steamboat with mom. afterwards, i went directly to the room and paint. in happy mode i am today,i painted this 4ft x 4ft.
as i promised, i'll show some pics behind-the-scene.
and the following are steps that i take to manage the little space i have for me to paint. people usually go "how the fuck you paint 40 canvas in a room so small?!!?"
and here's how:
and today, i did alot of varnishing. almost 6hours. but still, not all of them are properly varnish. probably, i'll spend the next day to do varnishing again and skip the galleries visit. well, i was planning to visit the galleries and tell them about my work on my last 30 day. but guess, i have to skip that and wait till some other time.
sigh.
and, so tomorrow, the final day. my closing words. my farewell. and the romantiscm dies. and 1 finale song that i've been waiting to play for you all.
woke up. look at the time. 11am. rite. clean myself. look at myself through the mirror. smiled. his smiling back. great. mom bought breakfast. had strawberry yoghurt. walk out of the house. the sun shines directly to me. smiled at the sun. His smiling back.
walk into the lift. press 7. walk out. dig my pocket for the keys. breath in. open door of the room. the canvas are smiling at me. heh. i smiled at them. if only they have hands, cause i could sense so much that they wanted to give me high-fives.
walk to my space. look down at my tools. "you guy's have done well." they replied, "you too, boy." i smiled. they smiled back.
took out the cd that i've burned of the song that i've saved for this very day. imagined Billy Joe giving me the thumbs up.
music start playing. i stand up. "ok, guys, the final last step." varnish them again. i gracefully- apply the varnish onto my paintings. one by one. one by one. like a mother bathing her baby child. lets not miss a spot. the sun shines in through the window, helping me the last time. "yeah, lets not miss a spot." i looked back at Him, and smiled.
moved the varnished paintings to the living room. i'm so proud of myself. this is the top-feeling of the whole 30 day. the last reach for the mountain. i'm ontop of it now. looking down. its a beautiful view from up here. and i'm sharing it with you all:
could almost cry. i feel a pat behind. i smiled. on my knees, i prayed.
got up. various thoughts came. my past. my crisis. my fear for the future. recapping every single day of the 30 days.
clean up the room. clean the floor. pack all my stuff, except for the player. moved all the paintings back into the room. sat in my small space. i recalled my first day. smiled. feels like i've just time traveled. made a toast to the room, spirit, paintings, and myself. i took the last gup of the wine.
walk out. close the door behind me. walk towards the lift. press G. walk out. look up at the sky. beautiful clouds. breath in. its getting dark now. smiled at the sky. people walk pass me thinking either i'm crazy or that i'm high on something.
walk to my car. start the engine. took a last glance of the building, 7th floor. smiled. drove home.
-chinyew
CONCLUSION its weird how life takes a turning point for you. 2 years ago, i had a high-steady- paying job, great girlfriend, great life. i spend most of my time working. no clubbing. no social life. just work. work. work. and inbetween, my girlfriend.
during some of the small moments during my busy life, i thought to myself, "i want to do art."
always when i come across some really long lost friend, they'll ask me what am i doin for living, and i'll answer, "graphic design." and they will reply,"that's great. you are achieving your dreams." and i smiled. they all knew that i always wanted to be an artist, and they presume that "graphic design" was already it. and that would made me ponder alot of my life.
shit happens. fork get stucked. my work drove me apart from my girlfriend. had alot of arguments. finally, we ended it. i lost my animation job. i lost everything. then i realized, works not everything. love is. but i was too late, she found somebody else.
trauma couldn't get me a job. my bank savings were meaningless to me. spend it all. thought it would make myself happier. took a mudane job just to keep it goin.
in my last brink of hope, God came. miracles began. (to read further of the miracles, you'll have to read my Artist Crisis.) just to show me. to understand. and i believed. and i started reading again. studied about the miracles. science came in. philosophy came in. everything came in.
and i finally understand why the fork has to be stucked.
and this is what 30day artist is about.
-chinyew
p/s: i do not consume any drugs to do my paintings.
i experienced it and i learned it. and i wish i could elaborate more of the feeling to you all, but i'm saving it for my next project. (for more info click here.)
i hope the 30day-artist thingy will inspired more people to take the hardest step of all steps, the first step. and for the month of Oct, my fellow artist friend will take over. but his not quiting his job. his trying to prove to everyone, that eventhough you have a daytime job you could still be an artist. yes, his planning to finish 40 paintings too in the 30 day run. go here to read his preparation.
God bless him.
additionally, i'm inviting anyone who is interested to take over after him. Email me at: ashingtray@yahoo.com and i'll share with you the details and requirements.
if you are still interested in my life, read on back at Artist Crisis.
chin yew, born in Kuala Lumpur, 27th March 1981, is always complaining. he went to artschool. complained that it wasted his parent’s money. he had a job. complained that it was too mundane. he had a good life. complained that it wasn’t exciting enough. one fine day, he lost everything. time flies, he slowly regain back bit pieces of it. but he began to complain again. but this time, was different. he complained about it, and he did something about it.
